I am unable to work when I have a lot of time to work on something. I don't understand myself, I always say I would've done better if I started earlier. But I never do. Even now, I should be writing cover letters, or doing homework, or planning trips/events/etc...at least I'm not watching videos.
I've been praying (or whenever I actually do pray) a lot for a dream. I feel my lack of motivation to do anything is because I don't have a bigger goal in mind. Even now I am just surviving: I put in effort in studying/school to get a good grade, to get a job. But that's it, I haven't really thought of where I want to be in 5 years (never mind 10), aside from not wanting to live on the street. I don't have a clear picture of what kind of career I want. Part of it is because of a terrible question that keeps nagging me every time I think I want to do something, "What if it's not the best option?" But if I don't even try then that would be the worst option. Another problem is the paradox in my mind about God's role in all of this. A lot of great characters in the Bible (Joseph, Moses, Noah) were handed their destiny. But just as I am writing this, characters that had a lot of their own drive was also brought up in my mind. Nehemiah wanted to rebuild the wall around Jerusalem, Elisha followed Elijah and then asked for double his blessing. A lot of Godly people in history had their own visions that lined up with God's will, and did what they could to achieve it, leaving the miraculous to God.
I envy people who have something they want to accomplish. In my mind, I clearly remember one lady, who walked into church on a Friday night. She was hurt, was in an abusive relationship, but she also told me that her dream is to open a pizza shop. From the way she expressed herself, it was like making pizza was the best thing in the world.
I thought I would have made progress on discovering my passion during my year in Switzerland, but that year just made it worse. Widening my perspective made me feel even more insignificant and less motivated than before. It is true that I felt more alive this past year than ever before; always on the move, exploring new and unknown areas, changing lifestyles. But now that I am falling back into routine, I feel like I crawled back into a cage.
I wish I had more encouraging words.
I've been praying (or whenever I actually do pray) a lot for a dream. I feel my lack of motivation to do anything is because I don't have a bigger goal in mind. Even now I am just surviving: I put in effort in studying/school to get a good grade, to get a job. But that's it, I haven't really thought of where I want to be in 5 years (never mind 10), aside from not wanting to live on the street. I don't have a clear picture of what kind of career I want. Part of it is because of a terrible question that keeps nagging me every time I think I want to do something, "What if it's not the best option?" But if I don't even try then that would be the worst option. Another problem is the paradox in my mind about God's role in all of this. A lot of great characters in the Bible (Joseph, Moses, Noah) were handed their destiny. But just as I am writing this, characters that had a lot of their own drive was also brought up in my mind. Nehemiah wanted to rebuild the wall around Jerusalem, Elisha followed Elijah and then asked for double his blessing. A lot of Godly people in history had their own visions that lined up with God's will, and did what they could to achieve it, leaving the miraculous to God.
I envy people who have something they want to accomplish. In my mind, I clearly remember one lady, who walked into church on a Friday night. She was hurt, was in an abusive relationship, but she also told me that her dream is to open a pizza shop. From the way she expressed herself, it was like making pizza was the best thing in the world.
I thought I would have made progress on discovering my passion during my year in Switzerland, but that year just made it worse. Widening my perspective made me feel even more insignificant and less motivated than before. It is true that I felt more alive this past year than ever before; always on the move, exploring new and unknown areas, changing lifestyles. But now that I am falling back into routine, I feel like I crawled back into a cage.
I wish I had more encouraging words.
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