Who am I?

I hate bringing this up, because whenever I think about it I have no answer. And when I reflect on the way I live, this question just makes me feel inadequate. I have had issues with this question ever since I started to take God seriously. It's frustrating because I know I have at least two faces: with friends and at church. Maybe I have more. The question is, which one am I really? People talk about taking off masks and just being who you are all the time, but what if you can't tell which one is the mask and which one is real? Or maybe they're all fake and in reality you have no clue who you really are because the masks have been on for so long, that you've forgotten what you actually look like?

At church, I'm a 'leader', but honestly I've never really seen myself as one because of my inability to answer "Who am I?" When I speak about God/Christianity/the Bible, it feels like everyone can see all my insecurities and they are secretly (or not so secretly) laughing on the inside at my hypocrisy...and how much I suck at public speaking. What's worse, is that I would never say that to my own friends/relatives/whoever who don't know Jesus. And I hesitate to voice these thoughts to someone who might be able to help because they are either a prominent leader (thus would be busy with many other people) or they are busy with a newborn and I don't want to burden them with my mental issues. Also it doesn't help that when I've tried talking before, I didn't quite know how to say it...and it ended up being a misunderstanding -.-

With friends, I rarely ever talk about spiritual things. Recently, two friends of mine went though a crisis, and I gathered up the courage to pray with them. But to me, the prayer felt forced and unnatural. Maybe it's just because I was extremely nervous and tense, but maybe it's a sign of trouble in my relationship with God. And what do you say when you know your friends are going to do something you know God would disagree with but society says is ok? Is it judgemental to speak out against it? Is there any point in doing so if they don't even believe a god exists?

So there you have it. I don't talk about my struggles at church, and I don't talk about God outside of church.
It's frustrating.

In a way, going to Switzerland for a year is a golden opportunity to find answers to "Who am I?" Because I've been to church all my life, with my parents all my life, and I have known many of my friends for a while, maybe it's only after these are stripped away can my masks loosen, and God can show me who He meant me to be. But there's also the risk of creating yet another mask over in Switzerland. In which case I might actually go insane.