Freedom

The wind blows wherever it pleases. You hear its sound, but cannot tell where it comes from or where it is going. So it is with everyone born of the Spirit. ~Jesus (John 3:8)


For the past month, this particular verse has been popping up. The first time I really read this I almost scoffed. From my perspective at the time, it seemed like such a lie. But then, it occurred to me that maybe, I was replacing "everyone born of the Spirit" with religion. I would never admit this if asked in person (I'd be too much of a chicken to), but recently, the work that I have to do for church feels like a chain of obligation. My mind seems to think there is still love in what I do, but the output says otherwise. Everything is always so last minute. It drives me up the wall.
Don't get me wrong though, I'm not anywhere near denouncing my faith; and I do care about the people at church, they're almost like family. It's just that reading this verse now gives me this sickening feeling in my gut that I've missed something important in my 20 years of being a Christian. Am I born of the Spirit? Have I really been 'born-again'? If I am, then why do I feel more like a caged monster, instead of the wind? And if I'm not...then what have I been doing for the past 20 years?!
One thing I do know though, is that my desire is to be like the wind, to be what Jesus is describing up there. That quote pretty much screams out freedom. To not be limited by fear, by shadows of what might happen, by opinions of other people. To not be chained by worries about school, jobs, money... To just go and do what my God needs me to do, and trust that He will take care of the rest.


So to the people around me that may be reading this, I'm sorry if I had acted hypocritical and maybe even judgmental. For always complaining about school and how much work I have. I know I haven't been a stellar example of love and acceptance, shackled by fear of what others may think. Until I figure this out though, I'm not sure if I can change.


To God, even though you know all my thoughts already, I'm going to try to put this in words. You never fail to amaze me with your forgiveness and love. All I have to do is ask and you would welcome me back with open arms. Ready to try again. So I pray that you will show me this freedom that you speak of, and use me to relay what I will learn to everyone around me.